- It’s too late
- It’s too early
- I’m not an expert on anything
- It’s scary
- I don’t have anything to say
- I have too much to say
- What to say??
- What if ______ reads it
- It feels too exposed/vulnerable
- It’s all been said
- None of it’s been said
- I do words all day, I’m tapped out
- I can’t find my creativity
- I’m not really a writer, anyway
- This season of life centers on foundations, and that isn’t very exciting
- Can I write and maintain our family’s privacy?
- Uninspired and/or jaded
- So many things started and left unfinished
- I don’t know where I’m headed
- Afraid of being boring/too much/overwrought/simplistic/yammering on/pointless
- Where to begin?
In five days I will turn 38 years old. Age is so strange. But anyway, birthdays and reflection and here I am back on this blog that I abandoned two years ago.
The word that I chose to define my 2019 was Curate. Two months in seems like a pretty good time to check up on that.
What am I curating? Why bother?
To start, I’m working on curating the words that flow into my eyes and ears. Curating the way I spend my time, the things that fill my home. Getting back down to what matters. Finding some white space.
It seems simple enough, and sometimes it is. Cleaning out a kitchen drawer, throwing out the tongs we’ve always hated or the 43 bread tags we’ve accumulated – that’s all pretty easy.
Unfollowing dozens of social media accounts, unsubscribing to podcasts I don’t listen to and newsletters I don’t read – it’s time consuming, but it isn’t hard. Staring at my phone for 30 minutes before bedtime? Does not fill me up. Reading or writing during those minutes? Yes please.
There are bigger areas to curate, bigger questions to answer. But just like curating the kitchen drawers, the key seems to be starting small. Envying people who are doing the work while I put off doing the work? Not fulfilling. Creating something, anything? It feels good, even the tiniest movements toward creation.
It’s been two years since I’ve written here. So this, I suppose, is a start. Inching back toward creating in this virtual space that’s mine, but also very much out in the world. It’s a bit scary, but here we go.
This year has me wanting to consume all the media, all the podcasts, all the blogs and books and news and music and theater and audiobooks – looking for… answers, comfort, solutions, hope, the silver lining.
And at this point a lot of that media and art consumption is half-finished. But the best of it is worth passing along. And instead of a bunch of social media posts, here are some links all in one place:
50 Things We Learned About Feeding Kids in the Past Six Years (by a couple of my favorite food writers)
Hands Free Mama This book and blog are helping me along my journey of less time looking at my phone, more time being a present parent. I hate how much time my phone steals from me, and it’s a hard habit to break. The tips and worldview of this book are practical and helpful. What moments are you missing when you’re looking at a screen?
The Pushcart War – this is one of my husband’s childhood favorites, but I’d never read it. I’m reading along now as he reads it to our kindergartner – it is the perfect thing to read for this moment of resistance, persistence, and sticking up for each other.
Dear Warren – The Gates Foundation’s Annual Letter – Read this to feel better about the world and the progress being made. The Gates Foundation has had an incredible impact on advances in medicine and public health around the world.
Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls – I’ve been recommending this book to everyone. Our dear friend Julia gave this book to Evelyn for Christmas and we all love it. Accessible, one-page stories about all types of women from all periods of history in all different fields, accompanied by dynamic illustrations.
The Four Tendencies quiz – I’ve mentioned before that I’m a big fan of Gretchen Rubin’s writing (and podcast) on happiness. She put together a short but helpful quiz to help you figure out your tendency when it comes to habits and life. Learning about my tendency has been really helpful when I think about setting up habits and goals (I’m an Obliger).
Here are some things I’m reading, listening to, and doing to start the year – and to prepare for what’s ahead:
Happier With Gretchen Rubin. I really like this podcast, and Rubin’s books. Small, concrete ways to hone in on the things that make for a happier life. Learning about “The 4 Tendencies” and how your tendency shapes your habit-forming is a game-changer.
The Good Mother Myth. I’m finally getting around to reading this on my kindle. This is the perfect read for this moment in my life when I’m really trying to figure out what makes me and my family happy, rather than what the blogs/Pinterest/Instagram/magazines say I should be doing. The essays on motherhood here are honest and real – it’s a refreshing read.
Design Mom – the book. I reread this all the time. I love Gabrielle Blair’s approach to setting up family spaces, thinking about your home, and making your home work for your family.
Resolved: Be Good…Most of the Time (This post is a good January reminder. You should also read Jenny’s books. Her approach to food and family is excellent.)
Top Mighty Girl Books on:
Raising Race Conscious Children I want to do more and better on this front.
I abandoned this space in 2016, but I’m reclaiming it in 2017.
And, in 2017:
I will use screens for creating, not just staring and scrolling and wasting time. And I’ll create in other ways. Overall, I will be more prolific.
I will enjoy my home as it is now, and use it for things I enjoy doing: reading, playing with my kids, spending time with my husband, yoga, writing, gathering friends and family. More looking out the window. More sitting by the fire. More cozying up to read. It’s fun to plan out projects and decorate, and there’s a time for organizing and cleaning and decluttering, but I miss simply *being* in my home. I get so focused on making my home into the space I want it to be that I rarely just stop and enjoy it as it is. In 2017, that is changing.
More of the things that make me a happier/more alive person: More sleep. More movement (and make sure it’s the kind I enjoy). More real food. More fun.
Be the change, and do that as a family.
Here’s to a beautiful year of being here. Of showing our children what’s important and how we’re going to raise them in a 2017 world. Here’s to a year of showing up.
On All Over Albany:
I have this posted near my bathroom mirror. I stare at it every morning. In 2015, I’m focusing on the things that make me happier, that help me live better, the small choices that make the difference.
Staring at it every morning means these words knock around in my head.
At 7:15 last night, after work and daycare pickup and dinner, I had a kitchen full of dishes, bottles to wash, lunch containers to unpack. It was 15 minutes before we had to start Evelyn’s bedtime routine. She slid up next to my leg. “Will you play hide and seek with me now?”
I looked at the kitchen counters. Felt the weight of all the Have To Dos.
“Yes, let’s play.”
“Ok! Yay! I want to hide first!” Her face lit up, she bounced up and down. (What would that face have looked like if I said no? If I turned toward the chores and away from her?)
I covered my eyes and started counting. She ran off.
Doors opening and closing. Giggles from the coat closet. (Already,I feel lighter and better. The Have To Dos fade away.)
“Ready or not, here I come!”
Stiffled giggles, rustling around.
“Hmmm, where’s Evy? Is she under the couch? Nooo….. Is she behind the chair? Nooo…”
I hunted around the house.
“Is she in the drawer? Nooo….”
The closet door pops open. A little hand darts out and pulls it shut. More giggles.
“Is she on the ceiling? Noooo… Is she in the CLOSET? YES! There she is!!”
She gasps and giggles, pops out and dances around the hallway. “I was there! You didn’t know it but I was in the closet!” Her feet barely touch the floor, the excitement bursts out of her. “Your turn to hide, Mommy! I’ll count to 22.”
I tiptoe down the hall while she lays on the couch, counting, skipping a number here and there. I scan my usual hiding places and end up standing in the bathtub, the shower curtain pulled closed.
“Ready or not, here I come!!!!” Patrick holds the baby while they search the house for me.
“Is mommy under my bed? Nooo….”
They look everywhere. “Where haven’t we looked?” Patrick asks her.
“The guest room? No mommy there. The bathroom? I don’t see….” She pulls back the curtain and squeals with glee.
“Ahhhh! I found you! There you are! You’re in the shower?? I found you, Mommy!”
I am laughing so hard that I “have tears,” as she says. A belly laugh. I pick her up and we all laugh together. The baby joins in, drooly baby belly laughs.
I did and I will do it again. The dishes got done. Instead of seeing a stressed out Mommy and hearing about all those things I “have to do” and all the reasons I can’t play, we laughed together. I turned toward the joy and had the best 15 minutes of my day.