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Thirty Things I’m Thankful For – part 2 of 3

Next, the small pleasures:

1. Lindt Intense Orange dark chocolate bars stashed in the fridge for little nibbles after dinner.
2. Simon & Garfunkel’s Concert in Central Park album.  I have memories of this album from every phase of my life, starting with very early childhood when my dad would put the record on and we’d dance to Wake Up Little Suzy.
3. All Good Bakers’ vegan cinnamon rolls. Eat them. 
4. Eric Carle’s illustrations – especially the ones of butterflies, peacocks, and walruses. 
5. Fleece pants at the end of a long day.
6. A pile of books by the bed. Piles of books everywhere – board books, cookbooks, parenting books, good books.
7. The promise of flowers in bulbs buried beneath the cold November dirt – dear squirrels, please leave those hopeful bulbs alone.
8. Lunchtime walks around downtown Albany.
   
9. When it’s my turn to sleep for an extra hour on the weekend while Pat gets up with Evy. 
10. Cooking and baking cozy things on gray November afternoons, filling the house with yummy smells and warmth and taste testing straight from the pot or oven.  

Thirty Things I’m Thankful For – part 1 of 3

The most important things first:

1. Patrick. The love of my life and father of my daughter. The guy who makes heart-shaped pancakes, learned how to do pigtails in Evy’s hair, tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m wearing sweatpants, compliments my cooking no matter what, puts his heart into family dance parties, spends Saturdays spiffing up our house, bakes a mean chocolate cake, and gives hugs that make me feel safe, strong, and alive. 
2. Evelyn. Joy of my life. The toddler who has taken life by the horns, the strong-willed little girl who loves as fiercely as she refuses sweet potatoes, the girl that is full of hugs and snuggles and will tell you exactly what she wants. She dances with abandon, loves her family, friends, and babies, talks and talk and talks, is serious about helping, and can say ‘no’ better than anyone I know.  Every single day I thank God and the universe for bringing her to us. This is the child we dreamed of. 
3. My parents. They are always there when I need them – whether with assistance on house projects, babysitting, or a bowl of chicken soup. Nonnie and Papa light up my daughter’s world, and they are a living example of love. They taught me that family comes first, they provided a simple, secure and happy childhood, and they provide delicious Sunday dinners. Evy loves her Thursday Nonnie days, and Papa makes her laugh and laugh and laugh.
4. Pat’s parents. I couldn’t ask for more amazing in-laws. We have the dream team of parents, and Evy has the dream team of grandparents. Pat’s parents are always willing to help with whatever we need, always providing meals and support, always there to offer love and guidance. They raised a guy who does laundry, cooks, and is handy – I am thankful every day for that! They are caretakers through and through, and we are so lucky to have them.
5. My sister (and Dean!).  Katie can make me laugh no matter what and is my lifelong fashion consultant (I am consulting with her on my hair as I write this). She’s great, and she just married a great guy. Plus she finds the funniest books and toys for Evy AND can recite every episode of Friends. 
6. Pat’s brother. Michael is a fun and funny uncle to Evy, and she loves playing with him. He’s always there with a smile and a joke when we ask for help on projects/moving heavy things/catsitting/any number of other less-than-pleasant jobs.
7. Our friends. We have an incredible group of friends, spread near and far. I am grateful to the support network around us, for the way they have all taken in and loved Evy, for the check-ins, the pot lucks, the visits, the playdates, the old friendships and the new. They make me laugh, they inspire me, they build me up, and they make me proud. 
8. Our home. I find things to wish were bigger/newer/different and rattle off a list of the twenty projects I want to complete, but it’s home. We’ve made this place ours in all it’s cozy compact glory. It has kept us safe, dry, warm, and protected. I love its nooks and crannies, the windows that fill it with light, the magnolia and the japanese maple in its yard, and the friendly neighborhood in which it sits. 
9. My job. I am grateful to work for an organization that does meaningful work, with people that care about what they do and the people they work with, for an employer that values employees as well as their contributions, for a boss that has been one of my most important mentors, and at a place that knows when and how to have fun. I am grateful for the flexibility I’ve been afforded, and the circumstances that have allowed me to spend more time at home with my daughter than I thought possible.
10. Bedtime (when it goes well…) Watching Pat give Evy her bath. All of us quietly talking, singing, kissing while getting her all ready for bed and into her fuzzy jammies. Snuggling and nursing in the chair while I stroke her impossibly smooth hair. Bedtime stories. Hugs and kisses. Watching her drift off in the crib, snuggled with her doll and her blanket. Watching her back rise and fall, hearing her sweet breath. Whispering a small prayer before leaving the room. 

Our friends Julia and Lindsay gave us Global Babies when Evy was just a couple months old. It’s been a favorite for a long time. At a few months old she liked looking at the babies’ faces. As she got older she liked pointing to their noses, mouths, eyes. And then naming each part of their little faces. And now she has the short sweet verse memorized, she imitates their facial expressions, and talks to each of them. It’s a wonderful book.

Evy’s love for and fascination with babies doesn’t end with the book. She just loves babies. Our friends’ infant is one of her favorite topics of conversation. She has a little cooing voice she uses to talk to babies. She has a couple dolls that are her favorite toys. When she’s playing independently she always spends a good part of the time changing her babies’ diapers, along with poor Noah from her Playmobil Noah’s Ark set. She found a bottle kicking around one of our kitchen baskets and uses it to feed her babies, “baby cup!” she says, pretending to give them sips. She wraps her babies up in blankets and carries them around, puts them down for “night night”, sings to them, and asks us to put socks and shirts on them. She just loves her babies.

This brought up a little conflict for me as I was adding some things to her Amazon Wish List. We’ve made an effort to stick to very basic toys that aren’t overly gendered. We have a small house and I’d rather we have toys that she’ll be interested in for awhile, that will last, and that won’t take up a ton of space. The preferred toys in our house are blocks, balls, books, puzzles, and crayons. And babies. We’re learning what activities Evy really enjoys, and what she’s drawn to. And she is drawn to babies, clearly.

Evy with her baby (July ’12)

So, now my dilemma: supporting that type of play and her love for it, without going overboard. I bristle at some of the dolls that are out there – both the price tag and the abundance of pink. When I first started thinking about whether we should buy her some more doll “accessories” for Christmas I panicked over the idea of a living room turned doll emporium.  After talking about it with some friends I feel better about getting her some simple things she can use to play babies with– she clearly loves dolls, it’s not like we’re pushing this on her “because she’s a girl”. And, as my friend Julia pointed out, dolls are one of the most basic toys, which have been around since ancient civilizations made dolls of corn husks and rags.  We should probably get her something nicer than a rag doll, but it doesn’t have to be a Disney Princess that comes with her own vanity.

I’m happy to nurture my daughter’s loving care-taking nature and love of babies-  especially since we’re also supporting her love for playing with cars, collecting pine cones, and banging on a drum.

It is 10:00 p.m. After a great weekend with our friends in Northampton, I spent the evening doing some cooking — butternut squash soup and roasted pumpkin with the last of our farmshare veggies. We gave Evy dinner, dealt with another extended bedtime routine, cleaned up the kitchen, did laundry, packed lunch and gear for daycare tomorrow– and then I realized I have to bring something for a work potluck tomorrow.

So, tonight’s post is something of a copout. I’m going to post the toast I gave at my sister’s wedding — tomorrow is Katie and Dean’s one month anniversary.

Their wedding was full of fun and love. It was a fantastic day of celebration. It poured rain from morning until night, but we were warm with happiness for the newlyweds.

—————————-
Katie and Dean!


I love you both very much and I am thrilled to be celebrating the start of your marriage today. Thank you for sharing today with all of us. 

For those of you I haven’t met yet, I’m Nicole- Katie’s big sister.

Katie and I grew up creating our own worlds. On any given rainy afternoon, our basement playroom became a school, an RV park for Barbie and Ken, a hotel, a grocery store, or – the favorite game of all little girls who grew up in the 80s- an orphanage (don’t worry, mom and dad, we weren’t dreaming of being orphans- we were dreaming of running the orphanage). 

Sometimes these games would bring on arguments, usually over who got to be the teacher that day, who would be the adoptive parent to the best-dressed doll, who got to use the cash register, or which one of us would be stuck with the ugly Barbie. We fought as only sisters can fight: with the words ‘no fair!’, occasionally with fingernails, and almost always with laughs in the end. 

Katie has always been the one person in the world that can make me laugh, no matter how mad or sad or upset I am. I’m so lucky that I’ve had Katie and her sunny outlook with me throughout most of my life. My sister has an incredible ability to find the humor and joy in every situation, and to share it with those around her. She can make me laugh to the point of tears no matter how hard I try to keep a straight face. Dean, if you haven’t experienced this yet, you will.

Katie showed me how to make those worlds we created joyful- even when that world was an orphanage housing nine dolls and a Pound Puppy.

As I’ve watched Katie and Dean grow their relationship, I’ve seen Katie’s joy blossom even more fully and I’ve watched her bring that big smile to Dean’s face during good times and bad. 

And since Dean and Katie have come together, I’ve seen Katie happier and sillier than ever. As a big sister, this is all I could hope for for my little sister: for her to find lifelong love with a truly kind, giving, person.  And it comes in handy that he can reach the high shelves that most people in our family need to climb on a chair for. 

Dean and Katie, I’m so excited for you to create your own world of joy and laughter as you begin your marriage. I’m excited for our families to come together and share in your happiness and I know that your ability to find joy together will bring you comfort, even in the tough moments. You have found the love that everyone seeks.

Please join me in raising a glass to Katie and Dean and the joy that they’ve found together.

We are traveling today and we were out late Thursday celebrating my mom’s retirement. So, I missed Thursday, and this is all I’ve got for today.  On to a new day and a new week.

I read somewhere that parenting involves feeling nostalgia for moments even as they happen. I have found it so true. It’s why I take zillions of photos and jot down things I want to remember about this point in time with Evelyn. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that she is changing by the day, and that words she mis-says one day, she’ll say perfectly the next. (I would love it if she called hippos “hoppos” forever). Stairs she can’t climb on her own in the morning are mastered by dinnertime.  Her facial expressions evolve constantly. And it’s so hard to remember – I want to hold on to the memories of how she was at every stage along the way. I’m afraid of not being able to call up an image of what she was like at two weeks old, 6 months old, a year old. It is all so fleeting.

I try not to get caught in the “she’s getting too big/growing so fast/slow down/ it’s sad” stream of thought. Because it’s amazing to watch her grow, to see her personality emerge, to witness her learning and changing. I’m honored to have this front row seat, and it’s all happening the way it’s supposed to-  not too fast or too slow. There’s a bittersweetness in watching each stage pass by, but it seems silly to feel sad about her growing up. We’re here to help her do exactly that, right?

I do my best to savor each day – to really feel her body in my arms when I carry her, smell her hair, listen to her, watch her, take her in. Even if I don’t remember exactly how she was at 19 months old, I’ll know that I paid attention when it was happening. And, well, took hundreds of photos to help with the memories.

This topic is huge. I could (might?) write several posts on it.

I was unprepared for the opinions that are out there about the best way to feed one’s family. I just figured you’d do what was right for your family, I’d do what was right for my family, and that was that. But like every single other thing when it comes to parenting, there are many opinions and many people more than happy to share their opinion. This has been the case from the moment Evy was born.

I try not to worry about them and keep on keepin’ on.

Our approach to food has been this:

• Stick as much as possible to a “real food” diet, avoiding processed foods. The best explanation of what that means can be found here.  
• Avoid foods containing high fructose corn syrup/refined sugar/ingredients we couldn’t cook with at home.
• Eat homemade food as much as possible.
• Eat organic and local when we can, with a focus on the Environmental Working Group’s Clean 15/Dirty Dozen list. Our CSA farm share went a long way on this point.

• 100 Days of Real Food helped me to define my approach to feeding our family and has provided incredible resources on recipes, store-bought real food, make-ahead meals, and incorporating a real food diet into our family’s lifestyle.
• Weelicious (I make a batch of Weelicious muffins with whatever veggies I have on hand just about every week – Evy loves them and they are an easy snack plus a sneaky way to get more vegetables into her).
• From Scratch Club
• Mel’s Kitchen Cafe
• Mark Bittman’s site and How to Cook Everything
• Any/all of Michael Pollan’s books

There is so much to be scared about as a parent. It would be easy to spend all day being scared, nervous, and frightened.
Of illnesses.
Of accidents.
Of strangers.
Of fire, disaster, war, flooding, or earthquakes.
Of burns on the stove, bumps to the head, fevers, colds, and chemicals.

Certainly, parenthood has turned me into even more of a worrier. Part of mom-brain is the ability to envision the worst case scenario – of every scenario, constantly.

Still I’ve tried, despite the danger lurking around every corner, to parent without fear.

My daughter is trusting and open, joyful, spirited, friendly and loving.

And while I would give my life to protect her, I refuse to hold any of her light back because of my own fears. I suspect that for the rest of my life I’ll hide my fears from her (most of the time) – just as my own parents did with me.

My goal is to parent with joy. By no means do I get this right all of the time – I find it hard to be joyful when I have to fight to get Evy into her carseat, which as of yesterday she has decided is the devil. There are plenty of moments when joy gets lost. But many challenging parenting moments get easier when I remind myself to find the joy. We sing and dance through making dinner. I slow down, find patience, and let her help me whenever possible. We laugh and make faces at lunch. Mostly, I try to be more like her.

There’s a line in Rent: “Why choose fear?”
It’s a choice, every time.

Everywhere we look, there are things to be fearful about, whether we are parents or not. We can make wise choices, do the best we know how to do, and then try to let go of the worry. Get out of the house. Scrape our knees, get our hands dirty, and learn how to get back up.

Holding back fear will get harder as she gets older, ventures further from me, and tests her independence. I want to keep her safe, but I don’t want to keep her sheltered. I want her to share her joy, explore the world around her, be confident in her abilities, and learn what she’s capable of.

Am I going to be freaking out inside a little bit the first time Evy climbs a tree? Probably. But I spent my childhood climbing trees. I fell out of a couple, resulting in a scraped nose, a bloody lip or two, and plenty of bruises. But those trees are a part of me. If I close my eyes I can feel the bark against my palms, I can smell the leaves, those days spent sitting in branches are in my soul. I want that for my daughter.

For now I’ll focus on taking deep breaths and letting her go when she ventures down the big slide at the playground or picks her way up and over rocks along a trail. Someday I’ll be trying to keep myself calm  as I watch her climb a tree, walk on stage or try out for the swim team, learn to drive, and take the car out on her own. Can I parent without fear the whole way through? No way – but I can do my best to teach a bit of healthy fear while making sure we embrace life with joy.

——
Some outside resources on the benefits of risk and challenge in childhood:

• Tim Gill, “Putting risk in perspective” – “Of course, it is absolutely right to be concerned about children’s safety. But this concern has to be tempered by a recognition that exploration, adventure and uncertainty are at the heart of the process by which children get to grips with the objects, people and places around them.”
• Last Child in the Woods is a great book about getting kids back into nature and away from technology and ultra-managed environments.

I’m feeling low on energy tonight.

I had a beautiful holiday Monday with Evy. We had time outside to soak up this bonus warm day, time with my parents, time doing some necessary errands, time making music, and time to read and play. And plenty of snuggles and kisses. AND a 2+ hour nap for one of us (not me) while the other of us (me) was able to prep dinner. I’m so grateful for days like today.

But days like today (ok, days like every day, really) leave me drained in the evening, trying to keep my eyes open do some ‘me’ things in the hour or so between clean-up/next day prep and my own bedtime.

I end up losing a lot of this evening time to checking email/Facebook/Google Reader/Twitter/Pinterest/blah blah blah. I need some of that – some time to tune out. The problem is (and I know so many of us have this problem) that what feels like 10 minutes online can suddenly be an hour… or two. And what was accomplished? Usually not much. It all adds to my feeling of not reaching personal goals, even goals as simple as writing more, or finishing a crochet project, or reading before bed.

Being tied to NaBloPoMo has helped keep me on track with blogging.

Otherwise, I just need to be more diligent about cutting myself off after 30 minutes online. Eyes off the screen, hands on an actual project. Man, it’s hard. Maybe I should start that ‘project a week’ thing again, eh?

And with that, my eyes are closing…

Evy’s bedtime routine involves several books. Is five too many?

Daddy and Evy (9 months old), January 2012