It's Loverly

It is 10:00 p.m. After a great weekend with our friends in Northampton, I spent the evening doing some cooking — butternut squash soup and roasted pumpkin with the last of our farmshare veggies. We gave Evy dinner, dealt with another extended bedtime routine, cleaned up the kitchen, did laundry, packed lunch and gear for daycare tomorrow– and then I realized I have to bring something for a work potluck tomorrow.

So, tonight’s post is something of a copout. I’m going to post the toast I gave at my sister’s wedding — tomorrow is Katie and Dean’s one month anniversary.

Their wedding was full of fun and love. It was a fantastic day of celebration. It poured rain from morning until night, but we were warm with happiness for the newlyweds.

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Katie and Dean!


I love you both very much and I am thrilled to be celebrating the start of your marriage today. Thank you for sharing today with all of us. 

For those of you I haven’t met yet, I’m Nicole- Katie’s big sister.

Katie and I grew up creating our own worlds. On any given rainy afternoon, our basement playroom became a school, an RV park for Barbie and Ken, a hotel, a grocery store, or – the favorite game of all little girls who grew up in the 80s- an orphanage (don’t worry, mom and dad, we weren’t dreaming of being orphans- we were dreaming of running the orphanage). 

Sometimes these games would bring on arguments, usually over who got to be the teacher that day, who would be the adoptive parent to the best-dressed doll, who got to use the cash register, or which one of us would be stuck with the ugly Barbie. We fought as only sisters can fight: with the words ‘no fair!’, occasionally with fingernails, and almost always with laughs in the end. 

Katie has always been the one person in the world that can make me laugh, no matter how mad or sad or upset I am. I’m so lucky that I’ve had Katie and her sunny outlook with me throughout most of my life. My sister has an incredible ability to find the humor and joy in every situation, and to share it with those around her. She can make me laugh to the point of tears no matter how hard I try to keep a straight face. Dean, if you haven’t experienced this yet, you will.

Katie showed me how to make those worlds we created joyful- even when that world was an orphanage housing nine dolls and a Pound Puppy.

As I’ve watched Katie and Dean grow their relationship, I’ve seen Katie’s joy blossom even more fully and I’ve watched her bring that big smile to Dean’s face during good times and bad. 

And since Dean and Katie have come together, I’ve seen Katie happier and sillier than ever. As a big sister, this is all I could hope for for my little sister: for her to find lifelong love with a truly kind, giving, person.  And it comes in handy that he can reach the high shelves that most people in our family need to climb on a chair for. 

Dean and Katie, I’m so excited for you to create your own world of joy and laughter as you begin your marriage. I’m excited for our families to come together and share in your happiness and I know that your ability to find joy together will bring you comfort, even in the tough moments. You have found the love that everyone seeks.

Please join me in raising a glass to Katie and Dean and the joy that they’ve found together.

We are traveling today and we were out late Thursday celebrating my mom’s retirement. So, I missed Thursday, and this is all I’ve got for today.  On to a new day and a new week.

I read somewhere that parenting involves feeling nostalgia for moments even as they happen. I have found it so true. It’s why I take zillions of photos and jot down things I want to remember about this point in time with Evelyn. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that she is changing by the day, and that words she mis-says one day, she’ll say perfectly the next. (I would love it if she called hippos “hoppos” forever). Stairs she can’t climb on her own in the morning are mastered by dinnertime.  Her facial expressions evolve constantly. And it’s so hard to remember – I want to hold on to the memories of how she was at every stage along the way. I’m afraid of not being able to call up an image of what she was like at two weeks old, 6 months old, a year old. It is all so fleeting.

I try not to get caught in the “she’s getting too big/growing so fast/slow down/ it’s sad” stream of thought. Because it’s amazing to watch her grow, to see her personality emerge, to witness her learning and changing. I’m honored to have this front row seat, and it’s all happening the way it’s supposed to-  not too fast or too slow. There’s a bittersweetness in watching each stage pass by, but it seems silly to feel sad about her growing up. We’re here to help her do exactly that, right?

I do my best to savor each day – to really feel her body in my arms when I carry her, smell her hair, listen to her, watch her, take her in. Even if I don’t remember exactly how she was at 19 months old, I’ll know that I paid attention when it was happening. And, well, took hundreds of photos to help with the memories.

This topic is huge. I could (might?) write several posts on it.

I was unprepared for the opinions that are out there about the best way to feed one’s family. I just figured you’d do what was right for your family, I’d do what was right for my family, and that was that. But like every single other thing when it comes to parenting, there are many opinions and many people more than happy to share their opinion. This has been the case from the moment Evy was born.

I try not to worry about them and keep on keepin’ on.

Our approach to food has been this:

• Stick as much as possible to a “real food” diet, avoiding processed foods. The best explanation of what that means can be found here.  
• Avoid foods containing high fructose corn syrup/refined sugar/ingredients we couldn’t cook with at home.
• Eat homemade food as much as possible.
• Eat organic and local when we can, with a focus on the Environmental Working Group’s Clean 15/Dirty Dozen list. Our CSA farm share went a long way on this point.

• 100 Days of Real Food helped me to define my approach to feeding our family and has provided incredible resources on recipes, store-bought real food, make-ahead meals, and incorporating a real food diet into our family’s lifestyle.
• Weelicious (I make a batch of Weelicious muffins with whatever veggies I have on hand just about every week – Evy loves them and they are an easy snack plus a sneaky way to get more vegetables into her).
• From Scratch Club
• Mel’s Kitchen Cafe
• Mark Bittman’s site and How to Cook Everything
• Any/all of Michael Pollan’s books

There is so much to be scared about as a parent. It would be easy to spend all day being scared, nervous, and frightened.
Of illnesses.
Of accidents.
Of strangers.
Of fire, disaster, war, flooding, or earthquakes.
Of burns on the stove, bumps to the head, fevers, colds, and chemicals.

Certainly, parenthood has turned me into even more of a worrier. Part of mom-brain is the ability to envision the worst case scenario – of every scenario, constantly.

Still I’ve tried, despite the danger lurking around every corner, to parent without fear.

My daughter is trusting and open, joyful, spirited, friendly and loving.

And while I would give my life to protect her, I refuse to hold any of her light back because of my own fears. I suspect that for the rest of my life I’ll hide my fears from her (most of the time) – just as my own parents did with me.

My goal is to parent with joy. By no means do I get this right all of the time – I find it hard to be joyful when I have to fight to get Evy into her carseat, which as of yesterday she has decided is the devil. There are plenty of moments when joy gets lost. But many challenging parenting moments get easier when I remind myself to find the joy. We sing and dance through making dinner. I slow down, find patience, and let her help me whenever possible. We laugh and make faces at lunch. Mostly, I try to be more like her.

There’s a line in Rent: “Why choose fear?”
It’s a choice, every time.

Everywhere we look, there are things to be fearful about, whether we are parents or not. We can make wise choices, do the best we know how to do, and then try to let go of the worry. Get out of the house. Scrape our knees, get our hands dirty, and learn how to get back up.

Holding back fear will get harder as she gets older, ventures further from me, and tests her independence. I want to keep her safe, but I don’t want to keep her sheltered. I want her to share her joy, explore the world around her, be confident in her abilities, and learn what she’s capable of.

Am I going to be freaking out inside a little bit the first time Evy climbs a tree? Probably. But I spent my childhood climbing trees. I fell out of a couple, resulting in a scraped nose, a bloody lip or two, and plenty of bruises. But those trees are a part of me. If I close my eyes I can feel the bark against my palms, I can smell the leaves, those days spent sitting in branches are in my soul. I want that for my daughter.

For now I’ll focus on taking deep breaths and letting her go when she ventures down the big slide at the playground or picks her way up and over rocks along a trail. Someday I’ll be trying to keep myself calm  as I watch her climb a tree, walk on stage or try out for the swim team, learn to drive, and take the car out on her own. Can I parent without fear the whole way through? No way – but I can do my best to teach a bit of healthy fear while making sure we embrace life with joy.

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Some outside resources on the benefits of risk and challenge in childhood:

• Tim Gill, “Putting risk in perspective” – “Of course, it is absolutely right to be concerned about children’s safety. But this concern has to be tempered by a recognition that exploration, adventure and uncertainty are at the heart of the process by which children get to grips with the objects, people and places around them.”
• Last Child in the Woods is a great book about getting kids back into nature and away from technology and ultra-managed environments.

I’m feeling low on energy tonight.

I had a beautiful holiday Monday with Evy. We had time outside to soak up this bonus warm day, time with my parents, time doing some necessary errands, time making music, and time to read and play. And plenty of snuggles and kisses. AND a 2+ hour nap for one of us (not me) while the other of us (me) was able to prep dinner. I’m so grateful for days like today.

But days like today (ok, days like every day, really) leave me drained in the evening, trying to keep my eyes open do some ‘me’ things in the hour or so between clean-up/next day prep and my own bedtime.

I end up losing a lot of this evening time to checking email/Facebook/Google Reader/Twitter/Pinterest/blah blah blah. I need some of that – some time to tune out. The problem is (and I know so many of us have this problem) that what feels like 10 minutes online can suddenly be an hour… or two. And what was accomplished? Usually not much. It all adds to my feeling of not reaching personal goals, even goals as simple as writing more, or finishing a crochet project, or reading before bed.

Being tied to NaBloPoMo has helped keep me on track with blogging.

Otherwise, I just need to be more diligent about cutting myself off after 30 minutes online. Eyes off the screen, hands on an actual project. Man, it’s hard. Maybe I should start that ‘project a week’ thing again, eh?

And with that, my eyes are closing…

Evy’s bedtime routine involves several books. Is five too many?

Daddy and Evy (9 months old), January 2012

I’ve been rediscovering our public libraries since having a kid.  We’ve made the rounds trying out different storytimes, checked out the various children’s rooms, and learned about cool reading programs (free books for reading every day!).

When I was 25 I landed a great job in the advancement office at a private school. It was an incredibly family-friendly environment, the campus community was warm and inviting, and my office was in a renovated old house. It was a great place to work.

Some of my colleagues were mothers of young children. Some worked part time. Some were given flexibility for family commitments. To 25-year-old me it all just seemed a little unfair. Why shouldn’t I get the same flexibility? I made assumptions about the education of the part-timers. I was not very family-friendly.

And oh how I offer profuse apologies to those women now. Profuse apologies, unending respect, and happiness that they found such a supportive work situation (with on-site childcare!).

The struggle with work/life balance as a mother hit me blindsided. I did not expect to feel so much constant concern about it, constant re-adjustment, and the amount of ‘figuring stuff out’ that goes into it.

And I’m one of the lucky ones. I went back to work 14 weeks after Evelyn was born. I had asked to start out at two-days a week before returning full time, which was a perfect way to ease back in. But my employer kept me at two days a week permanently. This was stressful financially and an unexpected slow-down in my career, but a blessing in terms of the time I was able to spend with my sweet baby. As hurtful and disappointing as the situation was, it made me realize that I had options beyond working full time and paying for full time daycare.

When Evy was nine months old, I took a new job and started at three days a week. This was the ideal balance. The paycheck was better, I still had time at home, and I had benefits- including more vacation time than I’d had in three years. I’m positive that having a part-time schedule for the first year of my daughter’s life was a huge part of the success I had with breastfeeding.

This past September, when Evy was 16 months old, I upped my hours to four full days a week. This adjustment has been harder, but still: I’m grateful that our family can get by with me working less than full time. I’m grateful that my mom has been able to take on a day of babysitting, saving us another day of daycare expense. I’m grateful for a job in my field, with a great organization.

And yet. I find myself thinking about alternatives. I study other families to see how they’ve found the balance (or, more commonly, how they seek the balance).

This struggle is more than I ever saw from the outside, when I watched working moms juggle their family commitments. No one talked to me about this before I was a mom. Or maybe they did, but I didn’t listen. I assumed I’d work full time, be an all-star mom, and magically it would all work out. You know, I’d have it all, because that’s what they said was possible.

But once I was a mom, I started looking around at the moms I knew. And what I saw was as many different work arrangements as there were families. Teachers who worked crazy hours during the school year but had summers home. Nurses with schedules that adjusted as their family needs changed. Full time schedules crammed into fewer days to open up days home with kids. Stay at home dads. Part time working moms. Parents working nights in order to be with their kids during the day. Consultants and freelancers building their career around their family’s needs. Work/life balances continually in flux were the norm. I had never seen it before seeking my own family’s balance.

I’ve been so extremely fortunate to land in a situation that fits our family’s needs. And I know that the balance will always be shifting. Sometimes working full time will be necessary and ideal. Other times it will be better to work less. It will change as our family grows, as our kids get older, as they start school, and on and on.  We are fortunate to have choices, fortunate that my husband has a good job, fortunate that we’ve dedicated ourselves to living within our means, and fortunate to have supportive families who are always willing to help out.

And to 25 year old me: Calm down. You’ll see. Enjoy life as a 25 year old!