It's Loverly

I am a big NPR/public radio fan. (Are you? You’ve made sure to watch Sh*t Public Radio Listeners Say, right?) So of course I have our local public radio station, WAMC, as the default on my car radio and listen for the 12 minute drive to and from work every day. Those 24 minutes are among the only time I’m listening to something other than our tolerable-but-still-kid-music Music Together CDs.

My commute apparently coincides with the time frame when the latest installment in that month’s important but very depressing and/or gruesome series is aired. First it was the series on human tissue donation. It’s a very important topic, needs to be known, but oh my word, the descriptions of tissue harvesting were too much at 8:20 in the morning. And 4:45 in the evening. Somehow the timing worked out so that every day for a week all I heard on the radio was the tissue donation stories (or, not really, because as soon as the descriptions of cutting ligaments started I changed the station).

And then last month it was the stories on polio. Again, important, should be told, of course. But somehow my commute worked out so that every morning and evening I heard a story about polio in Africa. It made for a tough start and end to the work day.

I’m a total snooty jerk for complaining about the timing of NPR stories on my drive to a job, I know. But look! I wrote something here!

So what’s in store for my commutes this holiday season, NPR?

I wrote something tonight that isn’t ready for prime time. So in place of any real writing tonight I’ll share some links:

Neil Patrick Harris Dreams in Puppet

On these late November days the sun is setting fast when I arrive to pick her up from daycare. I get out of the car and head in behind a few other parents, all of us shaking off the workday, hurrying in to greet the little faces we love. I notice the bright moon that is rising, excited to show Evy when we leave the building together.

When I walk into her classroom her body wiggles and dances with excitement. She runs to me for a quick kiss before darting back to show me what she’s playing with: today, a feast of fake food, “soup” in cups that she’s serving her teachers and shares with me. Her sweet teachers (whose patience and enthusiasm is the stuff of heroes) tell me how she’s been “cooking” all day and ask if she helps in the kitchen at home. They tell me stories about things she said and did during the day, she gives them hugs and blows kisses. She points to her artwork on the walls, studies the photos of her friends and tells me who they are – she can name all of her buddies, loves talking about her “frennns!”

As I gather her coat, lunch box, and report of the day’s activities she sneaks in one more minute in the play kitchen area. I talk to her about going home, seeing Calvin, starting dinner, and Daddy coming home as I slip her arms into her coat and start the zipper, letting her pull it up to her chin. I put her hat on and we say goodbye to her teachers – she gives out more hugs and kisses. As we walk down the hallway she talks about the babies she sees, points out the art projects and photos on the wall, and waves bye bye to everyone we pass. They all grin, wave back, know her by name. She helps push the door open as we step outside. I lift her into my arms and point out the moon. She smiles, points, “moon! clouds!” and we walk to the car. When I buckle her into the carseat she waves bye bye to the moon.

Our ride home takes less than three minutes. We talk on the way. At 20 months old, her language continues to explode, and this week she has started telling me stories about things before I ask. Tonight she told me about the play doh she played with, and about how cold it was when they went out to play.

There is always a part of me that frets about whether we’re doing the right thing by sending Evy to daycare three days a week (or, truth: there is always a part of me that frets about everything). I wonder if there are other options, if this is what’s best for her, if she likes it, if I should be home more, and all of the other doubts that fill the minds of parents everywhere.

But for this particular kid, I think daycare is a great thing. She’s done well there since starting at four months old. At eight months she earned the nickname “the mayor” – smiling and waving to all the teachers and kids, all day long. She’s social and very verbal, and it’s clear that she loves being with a group of friends all day. She spends her daycare days playing with a collection of fun toys and does more interesting art projects than we could do at home. She has fantastic playgrounds and outdoor spaces to explore. She does better with naps at school than at home. And she is with wonderful, loving caretakers.

Daycare probably isn’t right for every kid, and her needs will change as she gets a bit older and we start thinking about preschool (I have dreams of Montessori…), but at this point in toddlerhood it is a great thing – and that moment at the end of the day when I walk in the classroom door and see her face is pure gold.

Things I’ve Taken Away from My Toddler Today (And Why)

      Object                                               Reason for Confiscation               

• Empty coffee container                  Standing on the top. Logrolling.

• Rolling pin                                     Putting it in her mouth. Refusing to remove it from her mouth. 

• Dry pasta                                       Sprinkling it over the kitchen floor, fairy dust style.

• Armchair (closed via ottoman)       Standing/jumping on (very proudly).

• Plastic shopping bag                      Attempting to put on head.

• Reusable shopping bag                  ”    ” (forbidden due to the scary bacteria I’m told coats the inside)

• My hairbrush                                  Throwing, boomerang-style, across the room

• Dryer sheet                                    Attempting to wash face with it   

• Cup/bowl/spoon/fork                     Banging punk-rock-drummer style on the high chair tray (new vocab this vacation: bang bang bang! Dad was doing demo and installing insulation in the attic…)

I feel a little guilty that we haven’t done anything very exciting with this four-day weekend. With some house projects in the works along with the cleaning/organizing that’s always on the to-do list, we stayed close to home yesterday and today. Many of our usual playmates were busy with their own holiday weekend travel and events, so most of the time it was just us three.

Sunday morning, making apple pancakes.

Maybe Evy would have had more fun if we were out and about more. Or maybe she doesn’t mind some time at home. For her, these days have been full of playing with her toys, reading her books, helping me cook, snuggling with dad, napping in her crib, coloring, playing in the yard, rediscovering her pile of stuffed animals, watching snow flakes fall outside the window, dance parties, eating apple pancakes, and spending hours in her jammies. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have any complaints, aside from the fact that we won’t allow her to climb and jump on every surface in the house. I hope the wild dance parties have made up for any lack of couch bouncing or chair climbing.

Evelyn, 1 week old, giving her opinion on not being held.

March 26, 2011 kicked off my harrowing journey through being a first-time mom to a newborn. That experience transformed me in an unexpected way: I’ve become a cheerleader and supporter of everyone I know going through (or about to go through) new parenthood.

Before I had a baby I had this idea that the early weeks with a newborn would be cozy and glowing, full of napping and snuggling. All the photos I saw were of cozy sleeping babies!

Instead, I felt like I was hit by a truck.  I was crying at the drop of a hat as my postpartum hormones went nuts, I was sore, overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and wondering why the hell anyone would ever have a second baby.

At the same time, I was falling in love with my daughter. I loved the feel of her little body sleeping on my chest, I loved the moments when her eyes were open and looking around, I loved studying her fingers and nose. The emotional highs and lows were making me motion sick.

It was all very confusing and not one bit like what anyone told me it would be like, or what people seemed to think it was like. Even people who had gone through it said things like “Enjoy this magical time!” and “Isn’t it so wonderful?”  No! It wasn’t. It was hard, it was taking every ounce of my determination to get through. Establishing breastfeeding was tough. I was getting no more than three hours of sleep a night. I was recovering from surgery. It required a support team of an amazing husband and family to get through those early weeks. Eventually, the balance shifted and the wonderful moments came more frequently, the impossible moments became old hat, and little by little I slept more than two hours a night. But whoa. It was intense, for all of us.

And so I tell my new mom friends that it is totally normal to feel like new parenthood is insane, that it will seem glowy when you look back on it but in the moment it is full of constant nursing, worrying about poop, exhaustion, and crying on the part of everyone. And despite what people try to make you think: babies wake up a lot at night. That’s normal. And for many babies, it’s normal for many months. Everyone will ask how your baby sleeps at night, they’ve just forgotten that their own baby never slept either.

In the first weeks home with a baby I did a lot of reading books and websites- looking for reassurance of what was normal, what to worry about, and when things would change. I was determined to breastfeed, but the only person I knew who had recently nursed a newborn was my best friend in Michigan. I was lucky enough to get connected with the local La Leche League for some much-needed support regarding nursing. The support and help from our parents was incredible, but in a lot of ways my husband and I were going it alone – the first of our local friends to have a baby, we really didn’t know what to expect.

Below are some of the best online resources I found for new parents seeking good information, support and reassurance (I’m writing this post mostly to give myself something to link to when emailing those new mom friends of mine):

• KellyMom – In my opinion, this is the best breastfeeding website out there. Science/research-based, it covers all kinds of topics. This is the place to go with questions about the early days of breastfeeding, what’s normal, when to worry, what to do about issues that come up, etc.
• JanetLansbury.com – Janet Lansbury’s approach to parenting is one that we’ve really identified with. I wish I’d discovered her sooner, as I really like a lot of what she has to say about parenting an infant. This site is a great resource.
• AskDrSears.com was bookmarked on my phone in those early months. Lots of good stuff about soothing a newborn, babywearing, sleep, and breastfeeding.
• Squint Mom and Science of Mom offer research-based info, which is reassuring in a world of not-so-researched-based opinions on parenting.
• La Leche League – Every new mom should find their local group and attend meetings. I can’t push this enough. A supportive community is so so key to breastfeeding success – these ladies will have your back, help you out, get you through. The website also has some good resources. If you’re in the Albany area I highly recommend attending the East Greenbush group’s meetings. They are welcoming, friendly, and the support is so crucial.
• 12 Things Your Crying Baby Wants You to Know  This is the kind of thing overwhelmed new moms need to read.

Thirty Things I’m Thankful For – part 2 of 3

1. Today – dinner with not one but two wonderful, fun, and crazy families. A family walk outside on a crisp and sunny day, watching loved ones dote on Evy, being inside houses bursting with loved ones, catching up, sharing abundant meals, and getting down with toddler-led dance parties – it was a wonderful day.
2. Tomorrow – another family day of home improvements, snuggles on the couch, walks, and maybe – just maybe – venturing out in public.
3. Health – mine and my family’s. Things can change so quickly. I’m thankful that we are all able to fully enjoy each day as it comes. 
4. Carmex and Crabtree & Evelyn lotion for dry dry winter lips and skin.
5. Wine and beer!
6. Evy’s laugh. Evy’s hugs. Evy’s kisses. Evy’s songs. I could go on. Obviously.
7. The opportunity to watch my friends find love, grow families, and create happiness.
8. The internet for helping me stay connected with faraway friends, reconnecting me with old friends, introducing me to new friends, giving me a place to write, blogs that support/entertain/inform/are ridiculous, providing a way to share photos and stories between friends and family, and giving us all the gift that is awkwardfamilyphotos.com. 
9. Family – today made me especially grateful for the family I was born into and the family I married into. I feel undeservingly lucky to be surrounded by their love and warmth. Watching our child beam (and dance) amid that love is a dream I’ve had for a long time. 
10. All of it. I am full up with gratitude for this life. Thank you, universe. 

Thirty Things I’m Thankful For – part 2 of 3

Next, the small pleasures:

1. Lindt Intense Orange dark chocolate bars stashed in the fridge for little nibbles after dinner.
2. Simon & Garfunkel’s Concert in Central Park album.  I have memories of this album from every phase of my life, starting with very early childhood when my dad would put the record on and we’d dance to Wake Up Little Suzy.
3. All Good Bakers’ vegan cinnamon rolls. Eat them. 
4. Eric Carle’s illustrations – especially the ones of butterflies, peacocks, and walruses. 
5. Fleece pants at the end of a long day.
6. A pile of books by the bed. Piles of books everywhere – board books, cookbooks, parenting books, good books.
7. The promise of flowers in bulbs buried beneath the cold November dirt – dear squirrels, please leave those hopeful bulbs alone.
8. Lunchtime walks around downtown Albany.
   
9. When it’s my turn to sleep for an extra hour on the weekend while Pat gets up with Evy. 
10. Cooking and baking cozy things on gray November afternoons, filling the house with yummy smells and warmth and taste testing straight from the pot or oven.  

Thirty Things I’m Thankful For – part 1 of 3

The most important things first:

1. Patrick. The love of my life and father of my daughter. The guy who makes heart-shaped pancakes, learned how to do pigtails in Evy’s hair, tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m wearing sweatpants, compliments my cooking no matter what, puts his heart into family dance parties, spends Saturdays spiffing up our house, bakes a mean chocolate cake, and gives hugs that make me feel safe, strong, and alive. 
2. Evelyn. Joy of my life. The toddler who has taken life by the horns, the strong-willed little girl who loves as fiercely as she refuses sweet potatoes, the girl that is full of hugs and snuggles and will tell you exactly what she wants. She dances with abandon, loves her family, friends, and babies, talks and talk and talks, is serious about helping, and can say ‘no’ better than anyone I know.  Every single day I thank God and the universe for bringing her to us. This is the child we dreamed of. 
3. My parents. They are always there when I need them – whether with assistance on house projects, babysitting, or a bowl of chicken soup. Nonnie and Papa light up my daughter’s world, and they are a living example of love. They taught me that family comes first, they provided a simple, secure and happy childhood, and they provide delicious Sunday dinners. Evy loves her Thursday Nonnie days, and Papa makes her laugh and laugh and laugh.
4. Pat’s parents. I couldn’t ask for more amazing in-laws. We have the dream team of parents, and Evy has the dream team of grandparents. Pat’s parents are always willing to help with whatever we need, always providing meals and support, always there to offer love and guidance. They raised a guy who does laundry, cooks, and is handy – I am thankful every day for that! They are caretakers through and through, and we are so lucky to have them.
5. My sister (and Dean!).  Katie can make me laugh no matter what and is my lifelong fashion consultant (I am consulting with her on my hair as I write this). She’s great, and she just married a great guy. Plus she finds the funniest books and toys for Evy AND can recite every episode of Friends. 
6. Pat’s brother. Michael is a fun and funny uncle to Evy, and she loves playing with him. He’s always there with a smile and a joke when we ask for help on projects/moving heavy things/catsitting/any number of other less-than-pleasant jobs.
7. Our friends. We have an incredible group of friends, spread near and far. I am grateful to the support network around us, for the way they have all taken in and loved Evy, for the check-ins, the pot lucks, the visits, the playdates, the old friendships and the new. They make me laugh, they inspire me, they build me up, and they make me proud. 
8. Our home. I find things to wish were bigger/newer/different and rattle off a list of the twenty projects I want to complete, but it’s home. We’ve made this place ours in all it’s cozy compact glory. It has kept us safe, dry, warm, and protected. I love its nooks and crannies, the windows that fill it with light, the magnolia and the japanese maple in its yard, and the friendly neighborhood in which it sits. 
9. My job. I am grateful to work for an organization that does meaningful work, with people that care about what they do and the people they work with, for an employer that values employees as well as their contributions, for a boss that has been one of my most important mentors, and at a place that knows when and how to have fun. I am grateful for the flexibility I’ve been afforded, and the circumstances that have allowed me to spend more time at home with my daughter than I thought possible.
10. Bedtime (when it goes well…) Watching Pat give Evy her bath. All of us quietly talking, singing, kissing while getting her all ready for bed and into her fuzzy jammies. Snuggling and nursing in the chair while I stroke her impossibly smooth hair. Bedtime stories. Hugs and kisses. Watching her drift off in the crib, snuggled with her doll and her blanket. Watching her back rise and fall, hearing her sweet breath. Whispering a small prayer before leaving the room. 

Our friends Julia and Lindsay gave us Global Babies when Evy was just a couple months old. It’s been a favorite for a long time. At a few months old she liked looking at the babies’ faces. As she got older she liked pointing to their noses, mouths, eyes. And then naming each part of their little faces. And now she has the short sweet verse memorized, she imitates their facial expressions, and talks to each of them. It’s a wonderful book.

Evy’s love for and fascination with babies doesn’t end with the book. She just loves babies. Our friends’ infant is one of her favorite topics of conversation. She has a little cooing voice she uses to talk to babies. She has a couple dolls that are her favorite toys. When she’s playing independently she always spends a good part of the time changing her babies’ diapers, along with poor Noah from her Playmobil Noah’s Ark set. She found a bottle kicking around one of our kitchen baskets and uses it to feed her babies, “baby cup!” she says, pretending to give them sips. She wraps her babies up in blankets and carries them around, puts them down for “night night”, sings to them, and asks us to put socks and shirts on them. She just loves her babies.

This brought up a little conflict for me as I was adding some things to her Amazon Wish List. We’ve made an effort to stick to very basic toys that aren’t overly gendered. We have a small house and I’d rather we have toys that she’ll be interested in for awhile, that will last, and that won’t take up a ton of space. The preferred toys in our house are blocks, balls, books, puzzles, and crayons. And babies. We’re learning what activities Evy really enjoys, and what she’s drawn to. And she is drawn to babies, clearly.

Evy with her baby (July ’12)

So, now my dilemma: supporting that type of play and her love for it, without going overboard. I bristle at some of the dolls that are out there – both the price tag and the abundance of pink. When I first started thinking about whether we should buy her some more doll “accessories” for Christmas I panicked over the idea of a living room turned doll emporium.  After talking about it with some friends I feel better about getting her some simple things she can use to play babies with– she clearly loves dolls, it’s not like we’re pushing this on her “because she’s a girl”. And, as my friend Julia pointed out, dolls are one of the most basic toys, which have been around since ancient civilizations made dolls of corn husks and rags.  We should probably get her something nicer than a rag doll, but it doesn’t have to be a Disney Princess that comes with her own vanity.

I’m happy to nurture my daughter’s loving care-taking nature and love of babies-  especially since we’re also supporting her love for playing with cars, collecting pine cones, and banging on a drum.